i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
