i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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