I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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