I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
