I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
