You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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