I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
