I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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