well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
