He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
