this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
