we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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