So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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