Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
