Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
