I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
