you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
