Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
