Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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