I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
