My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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