So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
