All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
