just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
