so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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