I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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