shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
