I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
