I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
