Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
