I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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