I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
