sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
