I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
