I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
