I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
