did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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