So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
