You're completely useless in the revolution.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Randomize
