WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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