Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
