and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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