I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
