He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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