my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
