The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
