Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
