he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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