I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
