You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
