I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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