These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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