His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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