my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
