I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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