I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
thus making me awesome and them whores
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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